You might think that you want to know every little thing about your parents – but are you sure about that? If you do, then you'd better get ready for whatever comes out in the wash, because death can often churn everything up and spit it out in ways you least expect...
While it's true that some parents might have led lives that resemble the proverbial house with a white picket fence – no dark corners, no layers of paint to peel back that reveal other stories of other lives and situations lived long ago – that wasn't the case with my parents. When my mother died, long withheld anger felt by my father suddenly and without warning came to the surface. It sounded like my mother might have had an affair at some point, and in his grief over her death, love and empathy turned into anger and resentment. Friends of theirs suddenly came forth talking about how they probably "never really loved each other", due to "all the things that happened between them." The friends thought that I surely must have known about all of this, but nothing could have been further from the truth. I was completely in the dark, and I now faced things that I wasn't sure I wanted to know. What I did know was that my father wasn't a very understanding or loving person, and it wasn't hard to understand that if my mother did, in fact, have an affair, it might have been out of a genuine need for, and lack of, love and affection. As I stated in my book, Feet First, I was the reluctant witness to the fact that their lovemaking lasted a total of a few minutes at most...
Children who find out information like this might react differently. My brother refused to believe it, thinking that the tirades spewing from my father, that both my wife and I witnessed, were more or less just figments of our imagination. But I had seen a lot of tension between my parents, and to me the revelations of my mother's affair weren't so unthinkable. After my mother's death, when I admonished my father to stop berating her, he said, "Maybe I was just a flop in bed!" If my wife and I weren't sure about the affair before, his response said it all...
The bottom line (I hate that phrase, but it seems fitting in this context) was that I actually didn't want to know. It was their business, not mine, and I neither loved my father more nor my mother less. I understood both points of view, but my own mindset is what prevailed: Private means private, even if it's your parents...
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
siblings and eldercare
Those of you who've read my book, Feet First-Riding the Eldercare Rollercoaster with My Father, know that sibling relations is a recurring theme throughout. Probably like a lot of other siblings, my brother and I have gone through periods of being in fairly close touch, and other (sometimes long) periods of not wanting to even hear each others name mentioned.
We're far more dissimilar than alike: I'm sentimental, whereas he's fairly unemotional. He's always been very smart with money, a talent which has always eluded me, while I was always in the "live for today in case you're not here tomorrow" mold. He married early and decided against having children, while I had children and settled down very late in life.
He was always strong-willed and straightforward, while I tended to avoid confrontation whenever possible. Make no mistake – I admire him in many ways, but when eldercare crunch time came, he made it very clear that he wasn't going to devote time nor energy to my father, a cantankerous, combative person throughout his life. They had never gotten along very well, and my brother's advice to me was to simply ignore my father's constant phone calls and pleas for attention. I was incapable of doing that, though I must admit that I did wish that I had a little bit more of a detached nature...
I'm really not trying to vilify my brother – he lived in France and his wife was battling a virulent case of breast cancer, so he admittedly had his hands full. But neither his advice nor his personal situation helped me when it came to the daily tasks attached to overseeing the care of my father.
I had always had a somewhat closer relationship with my parents than my brother did. Even when my brother and I both lived near them, I always made sure to see them regularly as they aged whereas my brother was usually "too busy." The differences in our personality traits left me "holding the bag", and I was none too happy about it. But I was who I was, and he was who he was. Finding a middle ground between siblings of differing natures and dispositions is the key – and there's no magic bullet to accomplish that. Though essential, honesty isn't the only answer. Different personalities will interpret events and situations differently, and there's no way around it. You've got to try to find common ground that takes into account everybody's differing realities, and it's not easy. When it comes to caring for aged parents, very little is easy...
We're far more dissimilar than alike: I'm sentimental, whereas he's fairly unemotional. He's always been very smart with money, a talent which has always eluded me, while I was always in the "live for today in case you're not here tomorrow" mold. He married early and decided against having children, while I had children and settled down very late in life.
He was always strong-willed and straightforward, while I tended to avoid confrontation whenever possible. Make no mistake – I admire him in many ways, but when eldercare crunch time came, he made it very clear that he wasn't going to devote time nor energy to my father, a cantankerous, combative person throughout his life. They had never gotten along very well, and my brother's advice to me was to simply ignore my father's constant phone calls and pleas for attention. I was incapable of doing that, though I must admit that I did wish that I had a little bit more of a detached nature...
I'm really not trying to vilify my brother – he lived in France and his wife was battling a virulent case of breast cancer, so he admittedly had his hands full. But neither his advice nor his personal situation helped me when it came to the daily tasks attached to overseeing the care of my father.
I had always had a somewhat closer relationship with my parents than my brother did. Even when my brother and I both lived near them, I always made sure to see them regularly as they aged whereas my brother was usually "too busy." The differences in our personality traits left me "holding the bag", and I was none too happy about it. But I was who I was, and he was who he was. Finding a middle ground between siblings of differing natures and dispositions is the key – and there's no magic bullet to accomplish that. Though essential, honesty isn't the only answer. Different personalities will interpret events and situations differently, and there's no way around it. You've got to try to find common ground that takes into account everybody's differing realities, and it's not easy. When it comes to caring for aged parents, very little is easy...
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Looking back – an excerpt from the book Feet First
Caring for my father during his decline was a difficult experience. I was forced to discover truths about my parents, the aging process, and myself that were sometimes surprising and frequently uncomfortable. My son learned valuable lessons about people, but was exposed to a lot of things that I'd have preferred not to expose him to. Looking back, it seems that managing these situations requires a skill set that’s a cross between those of a nurse, a butler, and a Buddhist monk.
And because everyone’s situation is different, giving advice to people who are taking care of aging parents is tricky; no one-size-fits-all solutions exist for these situations. But I will say this: without a supportive partner, wife, husband, sibling, or friend, caring for an elderly parent is an exponentially more difficult experience. You need someone to talk things out with who can help you make sense of the situation. Making decisions for another human being, let alone your parents, is one of the most difficult things you can do, and I personally think that the people who have to go it alone have an even harder time.
Ellie didn’t have a sensitive bone in his body, and though I had love for him as a father, I can’t say that I ever really liked him as a person. But that had nothing to do with the reasons why I, to the best of my ability, took care of him. I did it not only because he was my father and had taken good care of me at the beginning of my life (a good reason in and of itself), but also because I wanted to set a positive example for my son about the importance of giving to, and taking care of, other people.
And it was, without a doubt, the right thing to do...
And because everyone’s situation is different, giving advice to people who are taking care of aging parents is tricky; no one-size-fits-all solutions exist for these situations. But I will say this: without a supportive partner, wife, husband, sibling, or friend, caring for an elderly parent is an exponentially more difficult experience. You need someone to talk things out with who can help you make sense of the situation. Making decisions for another human being, let alone your parents, is one of the most difficult things you can do, and I personally think that the people who have to go it alone have an even harder time.
Ellie didn’t have a sensitive bone in his body, and though I had love for him as a father, I can’t say that I ever really liked him as a person. But that had nothing to do with the reasons why I, to the best of my ability, took care of him. I did it not only because he was my father and had taken good care of me at the beginning of my life (a good reason in and of itself), but also because I wanted to set a positive example for my son about the importance of giving to, and taking care of, other people.
And it was, without a doubt, the right thing to do...
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
my two cents on eldercare
Here’s my two-cent, eldercare rant:
Assisted or skilled care giving isn't just a job – it's also a calling. Caring for those who can no longer care for themselves is, by its very nature, a sensitive issue. You're dealing with increasingly vulnerable seniors whose self-esteem and self-respect are challenged every single day by the fact that they can no longer do for themselves what they were formerly accustomed to doing throughout their lives...
Unfortunately, far too much of the actual caregiving is done by often disinterested aides and assistants who are underpaid, under-trained, and who are frequently just passing through on their way somewhere else – transient workers of whom there are few who see healthcare as a desirable career path. Many aides and assistants seem to think that it's better to have any job, however distasteful it might be, rather than none at all. But it's not just about changing clothes, cleaning their rooms, or getting an aged person in the shower – it's about the tact, thoughtfulness, and sensitivity that one employs when doing it...
The rigorous oversight needed to control the private caregivers who cut too many corners is virtually nonexistent. Care for the aged needs to be a nonprofit, privately run program that is part of a completely revamped, not-for-profit, health care system. The whole health care industry needs to be run in the same way successful nonprofit foundations are run—controlled costs, clear rules, and strict regulations governing conduct and operations.
High-level assisted or skilled care should be available to everyone, not just the wealthy...
Assisted or skilled care giving isn't just a job – it's also a calling. Caring for those who can no longer care for themselves is, by its very nature, a sensitive issue. You're dealing with increasingly vulnerable seniors whose self-esteem and self-respect are challenged every single day by the fact that they can no longer do for themselves what they were formerly accustomed to doing throughout their lives...
Unfortunately, far too much of the actual caregiving is done by often disinterested aides and assistants who are underpaid, under-trained, and who are frequently just passing through on their way somewhere else – transient workers of whom there are few who see healthcare as a desirable career path. Many aides and assistants seem to think that it's better to have any job, however distasteful it might be, rather than none at all. But it's not just about changing clothes, cleaning their rooms, or getting an aged person in the shower – it's about the tact, thoughtfulness, and sensitivity that one employs when doing it...
The rigorous oversight needed to control the private caregivers who cut too many corners is virtually nonexistent. Care for the aged needs to be a nonprofit, privately run program that is part of a completely revamped, not-for-profit, health care system. The whole health care industry needs to be run in the same way successful nonprofit foundations are run—controlled costs, clear rules, and strict regulations governing conduct and operations.
High-level assisted or skilled care should be available to everyone, not just the wealthy...
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Seder insanity-an excerpt from my book "Feet First-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father"
I had no family to help me with my father Ellie. My brother Gary was leaving for France within the next few weeks, and he made it absolutely clear that there was no chance he was going to put any time or energy into our father. In truth, over the years, they’d almost never seen eye to eye on anything. Once, when Gary was home from college, my parents hosted a Passover dinner. In attendance were my mother’s sister, Evelyn, and her husband, Harry; my maternal grandmother, Betty; and her third husband (very risqué in those days), Jack. During a discussion over dinner about the popular culture of the day (a hot-button topic in 1964), eighty year old Jack said that the Beatles were "crap."
My brother replied, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
My father stepped in and said, “Apologize to your grandfather!”
Gary replied, “He’s not my grandfather.”
Ellie jumped to his feet and bellowed, “Apologize, I say!”
As my brother stood up to walk away from the table, my father took a swing at him. Gary fended it off and started backpedaling, my father in full pursuit...
“Stop!” screamed my mother, chasing after them.
“Ellie, you’ll kill him!” yelled my aunt Evelyn, who was running behind my mother.
Gary continued backpedaling through the house and fending off the blows.
During this insanity, while they were backpedaling, I stepped in and tried to stop them (I was about twelve), but my father pushed me down on the couch. “Get out of the way,” he growled.
He was busy going after bigger game.
When things settled down a short time later, my mother and I visited Gary in his room. He stared blankly at the wall and said, “I’m never coming back as long as he’s here.”
Many years later, not a whole lot had changed....
My brother replied, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
My father stepped in and said, “Apologize to your grandfather!”
Gary replied, “He’s not my grandfather.”
Ellie jumped to his feet and bellowed, “Apologize, I say!”
As my brother stood up to walk away from the table, my father took a swing at him. Gary fended it off and started backpedaling, my father in full pursuit...
“Stop!” screamed my mother, chasing after them.
“Ellie, you’ll kill him!” yelled my aunt Evelyn, who was running behind my mother.
Gary continued backpedaling through the house and fending off the blows.
During this insanity, while they were backpedaling, I stepped in and tried to stop them (I was about twelve), but my father pushed me down on the couch. “Get out of the way,” he growled.
He was busy going after bigger game.
When things settled down a short time later, my mother and I visited Gary in his room. He stared blankly at the wall and said, “I’m never coming back as long as he’s here.”
Many years later, not a whole lot had changed....
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Unless you're rich (or maybe even if you are), here's 5 organizations you need to know about...
This group of five organizations, dedicated to the advocacy, care and
protection of the elderly, are of special importance. These are the
groups who not only help individuals, but also maintain a voice for the
elderly that reaches all the way to Capitol Hill. Take a look at them –
they could save you a lot of time in the present, and possibly, protect
and defend you in the future...
AARP www.aarp.org - AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons) is at the top of my list. Based in Washington D.C., AARP provides benefits, services and special products for people over age 50, from supplemental medical and long-term care insurance to discounts on prescription drugs, and a whole lot in between. They are one of the most powerful lobbying voices on behalf of elderly people in the United States and currently have almost 40,000,000 members...
The Consumer Voice http://theconsumervoice.org - If you want to know what your rights are as a long-term care consumer, you'll want to know about The Consumer Voice (formerly NCCNHR), one of the most important sources for long-term care advocacy, education and policy in the United States. Nearly 40 years old, they are a watchdog in the fight against inadequate nursing home staffing, and they constantly advocate for the rights of residents and their families...
The National Council on Aging (NCOA) http://www.ncoa.org/ I didn't know until recently that NCOA is actually the first charitable organization (founded in 1950) that provided a voice for older Americans. A nonprofit service and advocacy organization headquartered in Washington, DC., NCOA works as a kind of umbrella organization, bringing together thousands of community organizations, business, and other nonprofits in order to help seniors citizens improve their benefits, maintain good health, and remain active. They are particularly concerned with the vulnerable and the disadvantaged...
FATE (Foundation Aiding The Elderly) http://www.4fate.org/ 4Fate is a privately supported organization, founded by Carole Herman, whose objective is to serve as an advocate for elderly patients and nursing home residents, as well as a voice for reform and regulation of the laws governing the nursing home industry. I personally witnessed how poorly many elderly residents were treated by their nursing homes and how easy it was for them to get lost in the shuffle. Even though FATE is privately funded, there is no charge for their services...
Audient http://www.audientalliance.org/ Audiology is the poor stepchild of elder care who often has to take a backseat to the omnipresent life and death issues of the elderly. But from my point of view, life without quality of life is a living death, and those who can't hear are effectively cut off from a good piece of what's going on in society. Audient is a national nonprofit hearing care alliance of hearing health care professionals, suppliers, and others whose aim is to bring quality hearing aids and related care to low-income, hearing impaired, people. My father was hearing-impaired, and I cannot express how much that issue affected his entire life, particularly at the end when his hearing was almost gone and the hearing aids he needed were too expensive for me to afford...
Check out my website at http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversation on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
AARP www.aarp.org - AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons) is at the top of my list. Based in Washington D.C., AARP provides benefits, services and special products for people over age 50, from supplemental medical and long-term care insurance to discounts on prescription drugs, and a whole lot in between. They are one of the most powerful lobbying voices on behalf of elderly people in the United States and currently have almost 40,000,000 members...
The Consumer Voice http://theconsumervoice.org - If you want to know what your rights are as a long-term care consumer, you'll want to know about The Consumer Voice (formerly NCCNHR), one of the most important sources for long-term care advocacy, education and policy in the United States. Nearly 40 years old, they are a watchdog in the fight against inadequate nursing home staffing, and they constantly advocate for the rights of residents and their families...
The National Council on Aging (NCOA) http://www.ncoa.org/ I didn't know until recently that NCOA is actually the first charitable organization (founded in 1950) that provided a voice for older Americans. A nonprofit service and advocacy organization headquartered in Washington, DC., NCOA works as a kind of umbrella organization, bringing together thousands of community organizations, business, and other nonprofits in order to help seniors citizens improve their benefits, maintain good health, and remain active. They are particularly concerned with the vulnerable and the disadvantaged...
FATE (Foundation Aiding The Elderly) http://www.4fate.org/ 4Fate is a privately supported organization, founded by Carole Herman, whose objective is to serve as an advocate for elderly patients and nursing home residents, as well as a voice for reform and regulation of the laws governing the nursing home industry. I personally witnessed how poorly many elderly residents were treated by their nursing homes and how easy it was for them to get lost in the shuffle. Even though FATE is privately funded, there is no charge for their services...
Audient http://www.audientalliance.org/ Audiology is the poor stepchild of elder care who often has to take a backseat to the omnipresent life and death issues of the elderly. But from my point of view, life without quality of life is a living death, and those who can't hear are effectively cut off from a good piece of what's going on in society. Audient is a national nonprofit hearing care alliance of hearing health care professionals, suppliers, and others whose aim is to bring quality hearing aids and related care to low-income, hearing impaired, people. My father was hearing-impaired, and I cannot express how much that issue affected his entire life, particularly at the end when his hearing was almost gone and the hearing aids he needed were too expensive for me to afford...
Check out my website at http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversation on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
Monday, May 13, 2013
You think it only happens in your family, but...
It's normal to have thoughts like, "There COULDN'T be another family as crazy as mine!" But, oh, you'd be surprised. Here's a few nuggets (all true) from some other families:
• My friend R.'s parents, married for almost 50 years and in their eighties, decided to get divorced. They just had enough of each other, but after the divorce, there were some questions about Social Security payments now that Mom and Dad were separate entities. Mom (who had initiated the divorce proceedings) decided it would be prudent to get re-married so she could keep her cash flow intact. Despite being told by their adult children that they had already been married long enough so that their Social Security wouldn't change either way, the parents went ahead and got remarried anyway. Unfortunately, Dad, now in his late eighties and spending more and more time in the hospital, just wasn't 100% compos mentis anymore. When Mom came to the hospital for the ceremony, Dad only had one whispered question for R., who stood next to him:"Pssst-who is that woman I just married?"...
• Another friend of mine, G., has a grandmother who had been a high-ranking employee of the Central Intelligence Agency. Well over ninety years of age, she had begun a retreat into the recesses of her mind and memory, and was starting to spontaneously recite still-classified CIA case histories. The other residents and attendants of the nursing home where she lived asked what Grandma was talking about, and her grandson knew that she was referring to actual cases. Nervously, he replied, "Well, you know...she's just nuts!"
• In one friend's family, his mother (well into her eighty's) would go into the supermarket, find the aisle with the bread, open one of the loaves, stick her hand in and squeeze the bread to determine the freshness. When confronted by her adult son about this practice, she responded, "What's the matter? I'm clean!!!"...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversations on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
• My friend R.'s parents, married for almost 50 years and in their eighties, decided to get divorced. They just had enough of each other, but after the divorce, there were some questions about Social Security payments now that Mom and Dad were separate entities. Mom (who had initiated the divorce proceedings) decided it would be prudent to get re-married so she could keep her cash flow intact. Despite being told by their adult children that they had already been married long enough so that their Social Security wouldn't change either way, the parents went ahead and got remarried anyway. Unfortunately, Dad, now in his late eighties and spending more and more time in the hospital, just wasn't 100% compos mentis anymore. When Mom came to the hospital for the ceremony, Dad only had one whispered question for R., who stood next to him:"Pssst-who is that woman I just married?"...
• Another friend of mine, G., has a grandmother who had been a high-ranking employee of the Central Intelligence Agency. Well over ninety years of age, she had begun a retreat into the recesses of her mind and memory, and was starting to spontaneously recite still-classified CIA case histories. The other residents and attendants of the nursing home where she lived asked what Grandma was talking about, and her grandson knew that she was referring to actual cases. Nervously, he replied, "Well, you know...she's just nuts!"
• In one friend's family, his mother (well into her eighty's) would go into the supermarket, find the aisle with the bread, open one of the loaves, stick her hand in and squeeze the bread to determine the freshness. When confronted by her adult son about this practice, she responded, "What's the matter? I'm clean!!!"...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversations on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
Sunday, May 5, 2013
The older father...
I've been a full-time father and primary caregiver for the past
thirteen years. I was almost 48 when I had my son, and by that time in
my life I
didn't want to miss a minute of it. Work no longer had any meaning for
me, and though I didn't really have enough money, I decided to cut back
on my work schedule anyway. Having a child was, for me, the most
profound experience of my profligate Hollywood life, and the first and
only event that gave it any meaning. Little else in my life before him
had any
resonance at all...
So... here I am. I've spent a large portion of what I thought were my "savings" to bring him up the best way I possibly could, and tried to give him all the things that I thought (fingers crossed) would help him reach his maximum potential. I'd often made choices in life for other-than-financial reasons, and I optimistically thought everything would somehow just work out. But I didn't count on 9/11, the Great Recession, or the death and retirement of almost every production client that I had...
I don't have any regrets. Having a child is, without a doubt, the most important, insightful, joyous, loving and charming thing that I've ever done or ever will do. But I'm deeply afraid of becoming a burden to my son in my old age...
I'm pretty worried, and frankly, who wouldn't be? I was ridiculously naive-the cost of living and raising a child has been so far beyond my estimates that it's laughable. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, wondering what will happen to my family and I in my rapidly approaching old age. I'm almost a senior citizen with a thirteen year-old son, and I haven't made a significant amount of money in over 5 years...
In the end, it doesn't matter. The only thing that really matters is the welfare of the young man who, seemingly, went to sleep the night before as the little boy who called for his daddy but woke up in the morning taller than his 5'7"mother. Given how fast it's going, I think that the time I've spent with my son is far more valuable than any amount of money I might have made. My particular job would have taken me away for weeks and months at a time, and deprived of me of the only thing I ever really cared about. That's why I did it the way I did it, and quite honestly, I'd do it all over again...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, follow my blogs, or to contact me directly...
So... here I am. I've spent a large portion of what I thought were my "savings" to bring him up the best way I possibly could, and tried to give him all the things that I thought (fingers crossed) would help him reach his maximum potential. I'd often made choices in life for other-than-financial reasons, and I optimistically thought everything would somehow just work out. But I didn't count on 9/11, the Great Recession, or the death and retirement of almost every production client that I had...
I don't have any regrets. Having a child is, without a doubt, the most important, insightful, joyous, loving and charming thing that I've ever done or ever will do. But I'm deeply afraid of becoming a burden to my son in my old age...
I'm pretty worried, and frankly, who wouldn't be? I was ridiculously naive-the cost of living and raising a child has been so far beyond my estimates that it's laughable. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, wondering what will happen to my family and I in my rapidly approaching old age. I'm almost a senior citizen with a thirteen year-old son, and I haven't made a significant amount of money in over 5 years...
In the end, it doesn't matter. The only thing that really matters is the welfare of the young man who, seemingly, went to sleep the night before as the little boy who called for his daddy but woke up in the morning taller than his 5'7"mother. Given how fast it's going, I think that the time I've spent with my son is far more valuable than any amount of money I might have made. My particular job would have taken me away for weeks and months at a time, and deprived of me of the only thing I ever really cared about. That's why I did it the way I did it, and quite honestly, I'd do it all over again...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, follow my blogs, or to contact me directly...
Monday, April 29, 2013
Diving In
I picked Feet First-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father as the title of my recently released book about elder care for many reasons, some obvious, some not. It certainly refers to my getting thrown into the fire of dealing with my father's care with no experience, no knowledge, and no money. I had to dive in, feet first, regardless of whether or not I could swim or how deep the pool was. Which brings me to the next "feet first"...
--> I used to be terrified of the water. When I was about two and a half, my grandmother, who loved the water, playfully threw me into our sizeable plastic backyard pool with a hearty laugh and shouted “Swim!” When I continued to flounder underwater, she realized that I wasn’t exactly taking to it, and she pulled me out. Though I was completely unharmed and in reality only a little waterlogged, that experience frightened me to death, and for many years I was fearful of going in the water...
--> The kids at my junior high school called me Chicken Of The Sea. The school had just installed an Olympic-size indoor pool, and all of the students were required to take a Junior Lifesaving course as part of our PE curriculum. A lot of kids loved the idea of swimming during the school day, but not me-I was positively stricken. The truly amazing thing is that, 25 years later, I actually became a swimmer...
But even then I was literally forced to dive into the pool. A severe case of sciatica put me on my back for a year, and the only hope for me to continue my film production career was to get in shape and start swimming. It changed my life, and I still swim on a daily basis. Even more amazing is that I turned out to be a pretty good swimmer, far better and more accomplished than I ever dreamed I'd be. Which leads me to my theory...
I've come to believe that sometimes the things that we're most afraid of turn out to be some of the things that we're best at. When I was producing TV commercials, people regularly told me that I'm missing my calling-I should be directing. "Oh no, I could never do that, I'm not creative enough." I'd say. In truth, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to come up with the necessary stream of ideas to satisfy the clients. But in reality, I had some of my biggest earning years when I switched over from producing to directing. I was afraid of swimming, directing, fatherhood, even parental care-everything that has sustained me, and helped my life come more fully to fruition. Diving in "feet first" is the price of admission, and well worth every penny...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, follow my blogs, or to contact me directly...
--> I used to be terrified of the water. When I was about two and a half, my grandmother, who loved the water, playfully threw me into our sizeable plastic backyard pool with a hearty laugh and shouted “Swim!” When I continued to flounder underwater, she realized that I wasn’t exactly taking to it, and she pulled me out. Though I was completely unharmed and in reality only a little waterlogged, that experience frightened me to death, and for many years I was fearful of going in the water...
--> The kids at my junior high school called me Chicken Of The Sea. The school had just installed an Olympic-size indoor pool, and all of the students were required to take a Junior Lifesaving course as part of our PE curriculum. A lot of kids loved the idea of swimming during the school day, but not me-I was positively stricken. The truly amazing thing is that, 25 years later, I actually became a swimmer...
But even then I was literally forced to dive into the pool. A severe case of sciatica put me on my back for a year, and the only hope for me to continue my film production career was to get in shape and start swimming. It changed my life, and I still swim on a daily basis. Even more amazing is that I turned out to be a pretty good swimmer, far better and more accomplished than I ever dreamed I'd be. Which leads me to my theory...
I've come to believe that sometimes the things that we're most afraid of turn out to be some of the things that we're best at. When I was producing TV commercials, people regularly told me that I'm missing my calling-I should be directing. "Oh no, I could never do that, I'm not creative enough." I'd say. In truth, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to come up with the necessary stream of ideas to satisfy the clients. But in reality, I had some of my biggest earning years when I switched over from producing to directing. I was afraid of swimming, directing, fatherhood, even parental care-everything that has sustained me, and helped my life come more fully to fruition. Diving in "feet first" is the price of admission, and well worth every penny...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, follow my blogs, or to contact me directly...
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Out of my mind-back in 5 minutes…
You're late middle-aged, married and... maybe an old girlfriend (or boyfriend) has contacted you. Her voice is still remarkably similar to that of the beautiful young girl you dated ages ago. Suddenly you think maybe the grass is greener! Gotta do something before the end, right? But before you book any plane tickets, make sure you check out a picture of what she looks like now. Nine times out of ten you'll think she made a mistake and sent you a picture of her parents. Suddenly, and without warning, your wife looks like an actress in a James Bond movie...
If you can't laugh at yourself...you shouldn't be allowed to laugh at anyone else. And speaking of laughing, just remember that it's not the aptitude, it's the attitude-hey, you're unique! Just like everybody else...
My junk mail... has gone from meeting attractive singles to meeting attractive seniors. It reminds me that we should be nice to our kids-they'll be choosing our nursing homes...
Say what?... A hustler I know, the kind who promises everything but delivers nothing, when questioned about the reality of securing the investment capital he'd been promising for so long, said, "Well, the glacier is melting, and as the water drips away, there will be a few drops that won't evaporate." I've heard bullshit before, but never geological bullshit...
Why do the curtains in emergency rooms stop two feet from the floor? There's some information I just don't want to have...
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Julie Andrews-she tells It lIke it is...
-->
This
is worth repeating...the wit and wisdom of Julie Andrews
Actress/vocalist Julie Andrews recently
turned 79, and to commemorate her birthday she made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio
City Music Hall for the benefit of AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was My Favorite Things from the legendary
movie The Sound Of Music. Here are the lyrics she used:
Botox and nose drops and needles for
knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new
dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in
string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids
and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth
in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches
with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, when the bones
creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for
bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with
onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot
meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need
for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that
is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short
shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips
break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've
had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that
lasted over four minutes with repeated encores.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Driving (me crazy)-er
•Can't you move up a little?...We've all seen the older driver who stops at a red light at least 20 feet short of the limit line, or is so careful that they're going ten miles under the speed limit and holding up traffic. It's painfully obvious that there's lots of elderly drivers who shouldn't be driving. Nobody wants to talk about it because it's not politically correct, and there's not a lot of political will behind it in the first place-lots of large donations come from the older, wealthier, adult population. So...it's up to people who are over sixty or sixty-five to speak up. The amount of boomers headed for old age behind the wheel is frightening, and though better public transportation is the long-term solution, stricter drivers license regulations for the aged are a short-term must. I'm over sixty myself, and cars are definitely an important piece of the keeping-your-independence pie, but there's no way around the need for better oversight of elderly drivers...
•Less is more from...When people age, everything gets smaller. People's bodies shrink, they move into smaller places, they eat smaller meals. Everything gets smaller...except the car. The car is the only thing that keeps getting bigger. We all know the reason: it's the fear factor. We're more frail than we've ever been, we feel more vulnerable, so we want more protection. Understandable...but wrong. More metal doesn't mean more confidence-bigger does not improve your driving skills. It just means you've got some over-60 driver trying to maneuver a vehicle the size of North Dakota. Not to mention the destructive carbon footprint giant gas-guzzling vehicles make. Why can't the car get smaller along with everything else?...
•And on that note...I went to my local Department of Motor Vehicles recently to renew my driver's license, and there was an elderly lady who was stepping into her car to take the driving test with the DMV guy. The car was a Lexus SUV, and while the lady shakily pulled herself into the car, clearly a little nervous about the test, the DMV rep eyed the car and looked absolutely stricken. Probably seeing his life flash in front of him, he turned to the little old lady and said, "This is your car?"...
•In my case... I've always been, and will always be, a sports car lover. My version of an SUV is the car I've got now, a late-model VW diesel Golf. A phenomenal car, though considered small by today's standards. But somehow, more metal doesn't make me feel more confident. Good handling and agility, good ergonomics, and a car that's easy to park are, in my current incarnation as a late-in-life father, what I need most...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book, follow my blogs, or to contact me directly...
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Feet First: Point of Departure
•A Toast...Three cheers to the memory of Jonathan Winters, who passed away this week at age 87. He did some of the most wickedly funny characterizations of old people in history, and many decades ago my friends and I would memorize parts of his early records. One of the all-time greats...
•From material that I didn't include in my book, Feet First-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father:
•It's Beee-eau-ti-ful in Here... My father Ellie always hated the cold. Even in the 100º desert temperatures of Palm Springs he refused to lower the thermostat below 88º. On one occasion, my brother Gary and I were visiting him at the same time. My father was his usual cantankerous self, and an argument quickly ensued about the temperature of his apartment: "Don't touch that thermostat!" my father yelled. He turned to me and started screaming "Who the hell do you think you are? Don't tell me what to do! I'll drop dead if it gets cold in here!" Gary calmly walked behind him and, without my father seeing it, lowered the thermostat to 60º...
•I think it's an oldie, but... My father once said to me that, to him, pulling an "all night-er" meant not having to get up to pee...
•Just don't look... In the last few months before the incident that forced my father to leave his independence behind, he walked past a mirror, stopped, looked at himself, and said, "Oh my God, I took an ugly pill today...!"
•And finally...One more raised glass to all elderly people who just won't give up, who won't let aches, pains, or anything else soften their resolve to live fully, and maybe most importantly, independently. To my father, who absolutely never gave up (see my book-you'll be amazed at his antics); to my mother, who insisted on doing as much as she could by herself all the way to the end; to the 88 year-old man in the duck-hunting hat who takes his constitutional past my house every day at precisely 12 noon; to my elderly friends at the pool who, when I sometimes say that I don't feel like going to the gym, tell me that's when I have to go; to Grandma Marge who, at almost 80, is still taking care of her middle-aged, handicapped daughter; and to all the (much) older parents who decided to have children late in their life-you've all got guts...
As Bette Davis said (and many since): "Gettin' old ain't for sissies..."
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book or to contact me directly...
•From material that I didn't include in my book, Feet First-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father:
•It's Beee-eau-ti-ful in Here... My father Ellie always hated the cold. Even in the 100º desert temperatures of Palm Springs he refused to lower the thermostat below 88º. On one occasion, my brother Gary and I were visiting him at the same time. My father was his usual cantankerous self, and an argument quickly ensued about the temperature of his apartment: "Don't touch that thermostat!" my father yelled. He turned to me and started screaming "Who the hell do you think you are? Don't tell me what to do! I'll drop dead if it gets cold in here!" Gary calmly walked behind him and, without my father seeing it, lowered the thermostat to 60º...
•I think it's an oldie, but... My father once said to me that, to him, pulling an "all night-er" meant not having to get up to pee...
•Just don't look... In the last few months before the incident that forced my father to leave his independence behind, he walked past a mirror, stopped, looked at himself, and said, "Oh my God, I took an ugly pill today...!"
•And finally...One more raised glass to all elderly people who just won't give up, who won't let aches, pains, or anything else soften their resolve to live fully, and maybe most importantly, independently. To my father, who absolutely never gave up (see my book-you'll be amazed at his antics); to my mother, who insisted on doing as much as she could by herself all the way to the end; to the 88 year-old man in the duck-hunting hat who takes his constitutional past my house every day at precisely 12 noon; to my elderly friends at the pool who, when I sometimes say that I don't feel like going to the gym, tell me that's when I have to go; to Grandma Marge who, at almost 80, is still taking care of her middle-aged, handicapped daughter; and to all the (much) older parents who decided to have children late in their life-you've all got guts...
As Bette Davis said (and many since): "Gettin' old ain't for sissies..."
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book or to contact me directly...
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