I had no family to help me with my father Ellie. My brother Gary was leaving for France within the next few weeks, and he made it absolutely clear that there was no chance he was going to put any time or energy into our father. In truth, over the years, they’d almost never seen eye to eye on anything. Once, when Gary was home from college, my parents hosted a Passover dinner. In attendance were my mother’s sister, Evelyn, and her husband, Harry; my maternal grandmother, Betty; and her third husband (very risqué in those days), Jack. During a discussion over dinner about the popular culture of the day (a hot-button topic in 1964), eighty year old Jack said that the Beatles were "crap."
My brother replied, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
My father stepped in and said, “Apologize to your grandfather!”
Gary replied, “He’s not my grandfather.”
Ellie jumped to his feet and bellowed, “Apologize, I say!”
As my brother stood up to walk away from the table, my father took a swing at him. Gary fended it off and started backpedaling, my father in full pursuit...
“Stop!” screamed my mother, chasing after them.
“Ellie, you’ll kill
him!” yelled my aunt Evelyn, who was running behind my mother.
Gary continued backpedaling through the house and fending off the blows.
During
this insanity, while they were backpedaling, I stepped in and tried to
stop them (I was about twelve), but my father pushed me down on the
couch. “Get out of the way,” he growled.
He was busy going after bigger game.
When
things settled down a short time later, my mother and I visited Gary in
his room. He stared blankly at the wall and said, “I’m never coming
back as long as he’s here.”
Many years later, not a whole lot had changed....
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Unless you're rich (or maybe even if you are), here's 5 organizations you need to know about...
This group of five organizations, dedicated to the advocacy, care and
protection of the elderly, are of special importance. These are the
groups who not only help individuals, but also maintain a voice for the
elderly that reaches all the way to Capitol Hill. Take a look at them –
they could save you a lot of time in the present, and possibly, protect
and defend you in the future...
AARP www.aarp.org - AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons) is at the top of my list. Based in Washington D.C., AARP provides benefits, services and special products for people over age 50, from supplemental medical and long-term care insurance to discounts on prescription drugs, and a whole lot in between. They are one of the most powerful lobbying voices on behalf of elderly people in the United States and currently have almost 40,000,000 members...
The Consumer Voice http://theconsumervoice.org - If you want to know what your rights are as a long-term care consumer, you'll want to know about The Consumer Voice (formerly NCCNHR), one of the most important sources for long-term care advocacy, education and policy in the United States. Nearly 40 years old, they are a watchdog in the fight against inadequate nursing home staffing, and they constantly advocate for the rights of residents and their families...
The National Council on Aging (NCOA) http://www.ncoa.org/ I didn't know until recently that NCOA is actually the first charitable organization (founded in 1950) that provided a voice for older Americans. A nonprofit service and advocacy organization headquartered in Washington, DC., NCOA works as a kind of umbrella organization, bringing together thousands of community organizations, business, and other nonprofits in order to help seniors citizens improve their benefits, maintain good health, and remain active. They are particularly concerned with the vulnerable and the disadvantaged...
FATE (Foundation Aiding The Elderly) http://www.4fate.org/ 4Fate is a privately supported organization, founded by Carole Herman, whose objective is to serve as an advocate for elderly patients and nursing home residents, as well as a voice for reform and regulation of the laws governing the nursing home industry. I personally witnessed how poorly many elderly residents were treated by their nursing homes and how easy it was for them to get lost in the shuffle. Even though FATE is privately funded, there is no charge for their services...
Audient http://www.audientalliance.org/ Audiology is the poor stepchild of elder care who often has to take a backseat to the omnipresent life and death issues of the elderly. But from my point of view, life without quality of life is a living death, and those who can't hear are effectively cut off from a good piece of what's going on in society. Audient is a national nonprofit hearing care alliance of hearing health care professionals, suppliers, and others whose aim is to bring quality hearing aids and related care to low-income, hearing impaired, people. My father was hearing-impaired, and I cannot express how much that issue affected his entire life, particularly at the end when his hearing was almost gone and the hearing aids he needed were too expensive for me to afford...
Check out my website at http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversation on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
AARP www.aarp.org - AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons) is at the top of my list. Based in Washington D.C., AARP provides benefits, services and special products for people over age 50, from supplemental medical and long-term care insurance to discounts on prescription drugs, and a whole lot in between. They are one of the most powerful lobbying voices on behalf of elderly people in the United States and currently have almost 40,000,000 members...
The Consumer Voice http://theconsumervoice.org - If you want to know what your rights are as a long-term care consumer, you'll want to know about The Consumer Voice (formerly NCCNHR), one of the most important sources for long-term care advocacy, education and policy in the United States. Nearly 40 years old, they are a watchdog in the fight against inadequate nursing home staffing, and they constantly advocate for the rights of residents and their families...
The National Council on Aging (NCOA) http://www.ncoa.org/ I didn't know until recently that NCOA is actually the first charitable organization (founded in 1950) that provided a voice for older Americans. A nonprofit service and advocacy organization headquartered in Washington, DC., NCOA works as a kind of umbrella organization, bringing together thousands of community organizations, business, and other nonprofits in order to help seniors citizens improve their benefits, maintain good health, and remain active. They are particularly concerned with the vulnerable and the disadvantaged...
FATE (Foundation Aiding The Elderly) http://www.4fate.org/ 4Fate is a privately supported organization, founded by Carole Herman, whose objective is to serve as an advocate for elderly patients and nursing home residents, as well as a voice for reform and regulation of the laws governing the nursing home industry. I personally witnessed how poorly many elderly residents were treated by their nursing homes and how easy it was for them to get lost in the shuffle. Even though FATE is privately funded, there is no charge for their services...
Audient http://www.audientalliance.org/ Audiology is the poor stepchild of elder care who often has to take a backseat to the omnipresent life and death issues of the elderly. But from my point of view, life without quality of life is a living death, and those who can't hear are effectively cut off from a good piece of what's going on in society. Audient is a national nonprofit hearing care alliance of hearing health care professionals, suppliers, and others whose aim is to bring quality hearing aids and related care to low-income, hearing impaired, people. My father was hearing-impaired, and I cannot express how much that issue affected his entire life, particularly at the end when his hearing was almost gone and the hearing aids he needed were too expensive for me to afford...
Check out my website at http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversation on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
Monday, May 13, 2013
You think it only happens in your family, but...
It's normal to have thoughts like, "There COULDN'T be another family as crazy as mine!" But, oh, you'd be surprised. Here's a few nuggets (all true) from some other families:
• My friend R.'s parents, married for almost 50 years and in their eighties, decided to get divorced. They just had enough of each other, but after the divorce, there were some questions about Social Security payments now that Mom and Dad were separate entities. Mom (who had initiated the divorce proceedings) decided it would be prudent to get re-married so she could keep her cash flow intact. Despite being told by their adult children that they had already been married long enough so that their Social Security wouldn't change either way, the parents went ahead and got remarried anyway. Unfortunately, Dad, now in his late eighties and spending more and more time in the hospital, just wasn't 100% compos mentis anymore. When Mom came to the hospital for the ceremony, Dad only had one whispered question for R., who stood next to him:"Pssst-who is that woman I just married?"...
• Another friend of mine, G., has a grandmother who had been a high-ranking employee of the Central Intelligence Agency. Well over ninety years of age, she had begun a retreat into the recesses of her mind and memory, and was starting to spontaneously recite still-classified CIA case histories. The other residents and attendants of the nursing home where she lived asked what Grandma was talking about, and her grandson knew that she was referring to actual cases. Nervously, he replied, "Well, you know...she's just nuts!"
• In one friend's family, his mother (well into her eighty's) would go into the supermarket, find the aisle with the bread, open one of the loaves, stick her hand in and squeeze the bread to determine the freshness. When confronted by her adult son about this practice, she responded, "What's the matter? I'm clean!!!"...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversations on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
• My friend R.'s parents, married for almost 50 years and in their eighties, decided to get divorced. They just had enough of each other, but after the divorce, there were some questions about Social Security payments now that Mom and Dad were separate entities. Mom (who had initiated the divorce proceedings) decided it would be prudent to get re-married so she could keep her cash flow intact. Despite being told by their adult children that they had already been married long enough so that their Social Security wouldn't change either way, the parents went ahead and got remarried anyway. Unfortunately, Dad, now in his late eighties and spending more and more time in the hospital, just wasn't 100% compos mentis anymore. When Mom came to the hospital for the ceremony, Dad only had one whispered question for R., who stood next to him:"Pssst-who is that woman I just married?"...
• Another friend of mine, G., has a grandmother who had been a high-ranking employee of the Central Intelligence Agency. Well over ninety years of age, she had begun a retreat into the recesses of her mind and memory, and was starting to spontaneously recite still-classified CIA case histories. The other residents and attendants of the nursing home where she lived asked what Grandma was talking about, and her grandson knew that she was referring to actual cases. Nervously, he replied, "Well, you know...she's just nuts!"
• In one friend's family, his mother (well into her eighty's) would go into the supermarket, find the aisle with the bread, open one of the loaves, stick her hand in and squeeze the bread to determine the freshness. When confronted by her adult son about this practice, she responded, "What's the matter? I'm clean!!!"...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversations on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
Sunday, May 5, 2013
The older father...
I've been a full-time father and primary caregiver for the past
thirteen years. I was almost 48 when I had my son, and by that time in
my life I
didn't want to miss a minute of it. Work no longer had any meaning for
me, and though I didn't really have enough money, I decided to cut back
on my work schedule anyway. Having a child was, for me, the most
profound experience of my profligate Hollywood life, and the first and
only event that gave it any meaning. Little else in my life before him
had any
resonance at all...
So... here I am. I've spent a large portion of what I thought were my "savings" to bring him up the best way I possibly could, and tried to give him all the things that I thought (fingers crossed) would help him reach his maximum potential. I'd often made choices in life for other-than-financial reasons, and I optimistically thought everything would somehow just work out. But I didn't count on 9/11, the Great Recession, or the death and retirement of almost every production client that I had...
I don't have any regrets. Having a child is, without a doubt, the most important, insightful, joyous, loving and charming thing that I've ever done or ever will do. But I'm deeply afraid of becoming a burden to my son in my old age...
I'm pretty worried, and frankly, who wouldn't be? I was ridiculously naive-the cost of living and raising a child has been so far beyond my estimates that it's laughable. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, wondering what will happen to my family and I in my rapidly approaching old age. I'm almost a senior citizen with a thirteen year-old son, and I haven't made a significant amount of money in over 5 years...
In the end, it doesn't matter. The only thing that really matters is the welfare of the young man who, seemingly, went to sleep the night before as the little boy who called for his daddy but woke up in the morning taller than his 5'7"mother. Given how fast it's going, I think that the time I've spent with my son is far more valuable than any amount of money I might have made. My particular job would have taken me away for weeks and months at a time, and deprived of me of the only thing I ever really cared about. That's why I did it the way I did it, and quite honestly, I'd do it all over again...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, follow my blogs, or to contact me directly...
So... here I am. I've spent a large portion of what I thought were my "savings" to bring him up the best way I possibly could, and tried to give him all the things that I thought (fingers crossed) would help him reach his maximum potential. I'd often made choices in life for other-than-financial reasons, and I optimistically thought everything would somehow just work out. But I didn't count on 9/11, the Great Recession, or the death and retirement of almost every production client that I had...
I don't have any regrets. Having a child is, without a doubt, the most important, insightful, joyous, loving and charming thing that I've ever done or ever will do. But I'm deeply afraid of becoming a burden to my son in my old age...
I'm pretty worried, and frankly, who wouldn't be? I was ridiculously naive-the cost of living and raising a child has been so far beyond my estimates that it's laughable. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, wondering what will happen to my family and I in my rapidly approaching old age. I'm almost a senior citizen with a thirteen year-old son, and I haven't made a significant amount of money in over 5 years...
In the end, it doesn't matter. The only thing that really matters is the welfare of the young man who, seemingly, went to sleep the night before as the little boy who called for his daddy but woke up in the morning taller than his 5'7"mother. Given how fast it's going, I think that the time I've spent with my son is far more valuable than any amount of money I might have made. My particular job would have taken me away for weeks and months at a time, and deprived of me of the only thing I ever really cared about. That's why I did it the way I did it, and quite honestly, I'd do it all over again...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, follow my blogs, or to contact me directly...
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