You might think that you want to know every little thing about your parents – but are you sure about that? If you do, then you'd better get ready for whatever comes out in the wash, because death can often churn everything up and spit it out in ways you least expect...
While it's true that some parents might have led lives that resemble the proverbial house with a white picket fence – no dark corners, no layers of paint to peel back that reveal other stories of other lives and situations lived long ago – that wasn't the case with my parents. When my mother died, long withheld anger felt by my father suddenly and without warning came to the surface. It sounded like my mother might have had an affair at some point, and in his grief over her death, love and empathy turned into anger and resentment. Friends of theirs suddenly came forth talking about how they probably "never really loved each other", due to "all the things that happened between them." The friends thought that I surely must have known about all of this, but nothing could have been further from the truth. I was completely in the dark, and I now faced things that I wasn't sure I wanted to know. What I did know was that my father wasn't a very understanding or loving person, and it wasn't hard to understand that if my mother did, in fact, have an affair, it might have been out of a genuine need for, and lack of, love and affection. As I stated in my book, Feet First, I was the reluctant witness to the fact that their lovemaking lasted a total of a few minutes at most...
Children who find out information like this might react differently. My brother refused to believe it, thinking that the tirades spewing from my father, that both my wife and I witnessed, were more or less just figments of our imagination. But I had seen a lot of tension between my parents, and to me the revelations of my mother's affair weren't so unthinkable. After my mother's death, when I admonished my father to stop berating her, he said, "Maybe I was just a flop in bed!" If my wife and I weren't sure about the affair before, his response said it all...
The bottom line (I hate that phrase, but it seems fitting in this context) was that I actually didn't want to know. It was their business, not mine, and I neither loved my father more nor my mother less. I understood both points of view, but my own mindset is what prevailed: Private means private, even if it's your parents...
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
siblings and eldercare
Those of you who've read my book, Feet First-Riding the Eldercare Rollercoaster with My Father, know that sibling relations is a recurring theme throughout. Probably like a lot of other siblings, my brother and I have gone through periods of being in fairly close touch, and other (sometimes long) periods of not wanting to even hear each others name mentioned.
We're far more dissimilar than alike: I'm sentimental, whereas he's fairly unemotional. He's always been very smart with money, a talent which has always eluded me, while I was always in the "live for today in case you're not here tomorrow" mold. He married early and decided against having children, while I had children and settled down very late in life.
He was always strong-willed and straightforward, while I tended to avoid confrontation whenever possible. Make no mistake – I admire him in many ways, but when eldercare crunch time came, he made it very clear that he wasn't going to devote time nor energy to my father, a cantankerous, combative person throughout his life. They had never gotten along very well, and my brother's advice to me was to simply ignore my father's constant phone calls and pleas for attention. I was incapable of doing that, though I must admit that I did wish that I had a little bit more of a detached nature...
I'm really not trying to vilify my brother – he lived in France and his wife was battling a virulent case of breast cancer, so he admittedly had his hands full. But neither his advice nor his personal situation helped me when it came to the daily tasks attached to overseeing the care of my father.
I had always had a somewhat closer relationship with my parents than my brother did. Even when my brother and I both lived near them, I always made sure to see them regularly as they aged whereas my brother was usually "too busy." The differences in our personality traits left me "holding the bag", and I was none too happy about it. But I was who I was, and he was who he was. Finding a middle ground between siblings of differing natures and dispositions is the key – and there's no magic bullet to accomplish that. Though essential, honesty isn't the only answer. Different personalities will interpret events and situations differently, and there's no way around it. You've got to try to find common ground that takes into account everybody's differing realities, and it's not easy. When it comes to caring for aged parents, very little is easy...
We're far more dissimilar than alike: I'm sentimental, whereas he's fairly unemotional. He's always been very smart with money, a talent which has always eluded me, while I was always in the "live for today in case you're not here tomorrow" mold. He married early and decided against having children, while I had children and settled down very late in life.
He was always strong-willed and straightforward, while I tended to avoid confrontation whenever possible. Make no mistake – I admire him in many ways, but when eldercare crunch time came, he made it very clear that he wasn't going to devote time nor energy to my father, a cantankerous, combative person throughout his life. They had never gotten along very well, and my brother's advice to me was to simply ignore my father's constant phone calls and pleas for attention. I was incapable of doing that, though I must admit that I did wish that I had a little bit more of a detached nature...
I'm really not trying to vilify my brother – he lived in France and his wife was battling a virulent case of breast cancer, so he admittedly had his hands full. But neither his advice nor his personal situation helped me when it came to the daily tasks attached to overseeing the care of my father.
I had always had a somewhat closer relationship with my parents than my brother did. Even when my brother and I both lived near them, I always made sure to see them regularly as they aged whereas my brother was usually "too busy." The differences in our personality traits left me "holding the bag", and I was none too happy about it. But I was who I was, and he was who he was. Finding a middle ground between siblings of differing natures and dispositions is the key – and there's no magic bullet to accomplish that. Though essential, honesty isn't the only answer. Different personalities will interpret events and situations differently, and there's no way around it. You've got to try to find common ground that takes into account everybody's differing realities, and it's not easy. When it comes to caring for aged parents, very little is easy...
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Looking back – an excerpt from the book Feet First
Caring for my father during his decline was a difficult experience. I was forced to discover truths about my parents, the aging process, and myself that were sometimes surprising and frequently uncomfortable. My son learned valuable lessons about people, but was exposed to a lot of things that I'd have preferred not to expose him to. Looking back, it seems that managing these situations requires a skill set that’s a cross between those of a nurse, a butler, and a Buddhist monk.
And because everyone’s situation is different, giving advice to people who are taking care of aging parents is tricky; no one-size-fits-all solutions exist for these situations. But I will say this: without a supportive partner, wife, husband, sibling, or friend, caring for an elderly parent is an exponentially more difficult experience. You need someone to talk things out with who can help you make sense of the situation. Making decisions for another human being, let alone your parents, is one of the most difficult things you can do, and I personally think that the people who have to go it alone have an even harder time.
Ellie didn’t have a sensitive bone in his body, and though I had love for him as a father, I can’t say that I ever really liked him as a person. But that had nothing to do with the reasons why I, to the best of my ability, took care of him. I did it not only because he was my father and had taken good care of me at the beginning of my life (a good reason in and of itself), but also because I wanted to set a positive example for my son about the importance of giving to, and taking care of, other people.
And it was, without a doubt, the right thing to do...
And because everyone’s situation is different, giving advice to people who are taking care of aging parents is tricky; no one-size-fits-all solutions exist for these situations. But I will say this: without a supportive partner, wife, husband, sibling, or friend, caring for an elderly parent is an exponentially more difficult experience. You need someone to talk things out with who can help you make sense of the situation. Making decisions for another human being, let alone your parents, is one of the most difficult things you can do, and I personally think that the people who have to go it alone have an even harder time.
Ellie didn’t have a sensitive bone in his body, and though I had love for him as a father, I can’t say that I ever really liked him as a person. But that had nothing to do with the reasons why I, to the best of my ability, took care of him. I did it not only because he was my father and had taken good care of me at the beginning of my life (a good reason in and of itself), but also because I wanted to set a positive example for my son about the importance of giving to, and taking care of, other people.
And it was, without a doubt, the right thing to do...
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
my two cents on eldercare
Here’s my two-cent, eldercare rant:
Assisted or skilled care giving isn't just a job – it's also a calling. Caring for those who can no longer care for themselves is, by its very nature, a sensitive issue. You're dealing with increasingly vulnerable seniors whose self-esteem and self-respect are challenged every single day by the fact that they can no longer do for themselves what they were formerly accustomed to doing throughout their lives...
Unfortunately, far too much of the actual caregiving is done by often disinterested aides and assistants who are underpaid, under-trained, and who are frequently just passing through on their way somewhere else – transient workers of whom there are few who see healthcare as a desirable career path. Many aides and assistants seem to think that it's better to have any job, however distasteful it might be, rather than none at all. But it's not just about changing clothes, cleaning their rooms, or getting an aged person in the shower – it's about the tact, thoughtfulness, and sensitivity that one employs when doing it...
The rigorous oversight needed to control the private caregivers who cut too many corners is virtually nonexistent. Care for the aged needs to be a nonprofit, privately run program that is part of a completely revamped, not-for-profit, health care system. The whole health care industry needs to be run in the same way successful nonprofit foundations are run—controlled costs, clear rules, and strict regulations governing conduct and operations.
High-level assisted or skilled care should be available to everyone, not just the wealthy...
Assisted or skilled care giving isn't just a job – it's also a calling. Caring for those who can no longer care for themselves is, by its very nature, a sensitive issue. You're dealing with increasingly vulnerable seniors whose self-esteem and self-respect are challenged every single day by the fact that they can no longer do for themselves what they were formerly accustomed to doing throughout their lives...
Unfortunately, far too much of the actual caregiving is done by often disinterested aides and assistants who are underpaid, under-trained, and who are frequently just passing through on their way somewhere else – transient workers of whom there are few who see healthcare as a desirable career path. Many aides and assistants seem to think that it's better to have any job, however distasteful it might be, rather than none at all. But it's not just about changing clothes, cleaning their rooms, or getting an aged person in the shower – it's about the tact, thoughtfulness, and sensitivity that one employs when doing it...
The rigorous oversight needed to control the private caregivers who cut too many corners is virtually nonexistent. Care for the aged needs to be a nonprofit, privately run program that is part of a completely revamped, not-for-profit, health care system. The whole health care industry needs to be run in the same way successful nonprofit foundations are run—controlled costs, clear rules, and strict regulations governing conduct and operations.
High-level assisted or skilled care should be available to everyone, not just the wealthy...
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Seder insanity-an excerpt from my book "Feet First-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father"
I had no family to help me with my father Ellie. My brother Gary was leaving for France within the next few weeks, and he made it absolutely clear that there was no chance he was going to put any time or energy into our father. In truth, over the years, they’d almost never seen eye to eye on anything. Once, when Gary was home from college, my parents hosted a Passover dinner. In attendance were my mother’s sister, Evelyn, and her husband, Harry; my maternal grandmother, Betty; and her third husband (very risqué in those days), Jack. During a discussion over dinner about the popular culture of the day (a hot-button topic in 1964), eighty year old Jack said that the Beatles were "crap."
My brother replied, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
My father stepped in and said, “Apologize to your grandfather!”
Gary replied, “He’s not my grandfather.”
Ellie jumped to his feet and bellowed, “Apologize, I say!”
As my brother stood up to walk away from the table, my father took a swing at him. Gary fended it off and started backpedaling, my father in full pursuit...
“Stop!” screamed my mother, chasing after them.
“Ellie, you’ll kill him!” yelled my aunt Evelyn, who was running behind my mother.
Gary continued backpedaling through the house and fending off the blows.
During this insanity, while they were backpedaling, I stepped in and tried to stop them (I was about twelve), but my father pushed me down on the couch. “Get out of the way,” he growled.
He was busy going after bigger game.
When things settled down a short time later, my mother and I visited Gary in his room. He stared blankly at the wall and said, “I’m never coming back as long as he’s here.”
Many years later, not a whole lot had changed....
My brother replied, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
My father stepped in and said, “Apologize to your grandfather!”
Gary replied, “He’s not my grandfather.”
Ellie jumped to his feet and bellowed, “Apologize, I say!”
As my brother stood up to walk away from the table, my father took a swing at him. Gary fended it off and started backpedaling, my father in full pursuit...
“Stop!” screamed my mother, chasing after them.
“Ellie, you’ll kill him!” yelled my aunt Evelyn, who was running behind my mother.
Gary continued backpedaling through the house and fending off the blows.
During this insanity, while they were backpedaling, I stepped in and tried to stop them (I was about twelve), but my father pushed me down on the couch. “Get out of the way,” he growled.
He was busy going after bigger game.
When things settled down a short time later, my mother and I visited Gary in his room. He stared blankly at the wall and said, “I’m never coming back as long as he’s here.”
Many years later, not a whole lot had changed....
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Unless you're rich (or maybe even if you are), here's 5 organizations you need to know about...
This group of five organizations, dedicated to the advocacy, care and
protection of the elderly, are of special importance. These are the
groups who not only help individuals, but also maintain a voice for the
elderly that reaches all the way to Capitol Hill. Take a look at them –
they could save you a lot of time in the present, and possibly, protect
and defend you in the future...
AARP www.aarp.org - AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons) is at the top of my list. Based in Washington D.C., AARP provides benefits, services and special products for people over age 50, from supplemental medical and long-term care insurance to discounts on prescription drugs, and a whole lot in between. They are one of the most powerful lobbying voices on behalf of elderly people in the United States and currently have almost 40,000,000 members...
The Consumer Voice http://theconsumervoice.org - If you want to know what your rights are as a long-term care consumer, you'll want to know about The Consumer Voice (formerly NCCNHR), one of the most important sources for long-term care advocacy, education and policy in the United States. Nearly 40 years old, they are a watchdog in the fight against inadequate nursing home staffing, and they constantly advocate for the rights of residents and their families...
The National Council on Aging (NCOA) http://www.ncoa.org/ I didn't know until recently that NCOA is actually the first charitable organization (founded in 1950) that provided a voice for older Americans. A nonprofit service and advocacy organization headquartered in Washington, DC., NCOA works as a kind of umbrella organization, bringing together thousands of community organizations, business, and other nonprofits in order to help seniors citizens improve their benefits, maintain good health, and remain active. They are particularly concerned with the vulnerable and the disadvantaged...
FATE (Foundation Aiding The Elderly) http://www.4fate.org/ 4Fate is a privately supported organization, founded by Carole Herman, whose objective is to serve as an advocate for elderly patients and nursing home residents, as well as a voice for reform and regulation of the laws governing the nursing home industry. I personally witnessed how poorly many elderly residents were treated by their nursing homes and how easy it was for them to get lost in the shuffle. Even though FATE is privately funded, there is no charge for their services...
Audient http://www.audientalliance.org/ Audiology is the poor stepchild of elder care who often has to take a backseat to the omnipresent life and death issues of the elderly. But from my point of view, life without quality of life is a living death, and those who can't hear are effectively cut off from a good piece of what's going on in society. Audient is a national nonprofit hearing care alliance of hearing health care professionals, suppliers, and others whose aim is to bring quality hearing aids and related care to low-income, hearing impaired, people. My father was hearing-impaired, and I cannot express how much that issue affected his entire life, particularly at the end when his hearing was almost gone and the hearing aids he needed were too expensive for me to afford...
Check out my website at http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversation on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
AARP www.aarp.org - AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons) is at the top of my list. Based in Washington D.C., AARP provides benefits, services and special products for people over age 50, from supplemental medical and long-term care insurance to discounts on prescription drugs, and a whole lot in between. They are one of the most powerful lobbying voices on behalf of elderly people in the United States and currently have almost 40,000,000 members...
The Consumer Voice http://theconsumervoice.org - If you want to know what your rights are as a long-term care consumer, you'll want to know about The Consumer Voice (formerly NCCNHR), one of the most important sources for long-term care advocacy, education and policy in the United States. Nearly 40 years old, they are a watchdog in the fight against inadequate nursing home staffing, and they constantly advocate for the rights of residents and their families...
The National Council on Aging (NCOA) http://www.ncoa.org/ I didn't know until recently that NCOA is actually the first charitable organization (founded in 1950) that provided a voice for older Americans. A nonprofit service and advocacy organization headquartered in Washington, DC., NCOA works as a kind of umbrella organization, bringing together thousands of community organizations, business, and other nonprofits in order to help seniors citizens improve their benefits, maintain good health, and remain active. They are particularly concerned with the vulnerable and the disadvantaged...
FATE (Foundation Aiding The Elderly) http://www.4fate.org/ 4Fate is a privately supported organization, founded by Carole Herman, whose objective is to serve as an advocate for elderly patients and nursing home residents, as well as a voice for reform and regulation of the laws governing the nursing home industry. I personally witnessed how poorly many elderly residents were treated by their nursing homes and how easy it was for them to get lost in the shuffle. Even though FATE is privately funded, there is no charge for their services...
Audient http://www.audientalliance.org/ Audiology is the poor stepchild of elder care who often has to take a backseat to the omnipresent life and death issues of the elderly. But from my point of view, life without quality of life is a living death, and those who can't hear are effectively cut off from a good piece of what's going on in society. Audient is a national nonprofit hearing care alliance of hearing health care professionals, suppliers, and others whose aim is to bring quality hearing aids and related care to low-income, hearing impaired, people. My father was hearing-impaired, and I cannot express how much that issue affected his entire life, particularly at the end when his hearing was almost gone and the hearing aids he needed were too expensive for me to afford...
Check out my website at http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversation on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
Monday, May 13, 2013
You think it only happens in your family, but...
It's normal to have thoughts like, "There COULDN'T be another family as crazy as mine!" But, oh, you'd be surprised. Here's a few nuggets (all true) from some other families:
• My friend R.'s parents, married for almost 50 years and in their eighties, decided to get divorced. They just had enough of each other, but after the divorce, there were some questions about Social Security payments now that Mom and Dad were separate entities. Mom (who had initiated the divorce proceedings) decided it would be prudent to get re-married so she could keep her cash flow intact. Despite being told by their adult children that they had already been married long enough so that their Social Security wouldn't change either way, the parents went ahead and got remarried anyway. Unfortunately, Dad, now in his late eighties and spending more and more time in the hospital, just wasn't 100% compos mentis anymore. When Mom came to the hospital for the ceremony, Dad only had one whispered question for R., who stood next to him:"Pssst-who is that woman I just married?"...
• Another friend of mine, G., has a grandmother who had been a high-ranking employee of the Central Intelligence Agency. Well over ninety years of age, she had begun a retreat into the recesses of her mind and memory, and was starting to spontaneously recite still-classified CIA case histories. The other residents and attendants of the nursing home where she lived asked what Grandma was talking about, and her grandson knew that she was referring to actual cases. Nervously, he replied, "Well, you know...she's just nuts!"
• In one friend's family, his mother (well into her eighty's) would go into the supermarket, find the aisle with the bread, open one of the loaves, stick her hand in and squeeze the bread to determine the freshness. When confronted by her adult son about this practice, she responded, "What's the matter? I'm clean!!!"...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversations on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
• My friend R.'s parents, married for almost 50 years and in their eighties, decided to get divorced. They just had enough of each other, but after the divorce, there were some questions about Social Security payments now that Mom and Dad were separate entities. Mom (who had initiated the divorce proceedings) decided it would be prudent to get re-married so she could keep her cash flow intact. Despite being told by their adult children that they had already been married long enough so that their Social Security wouldn't change either way, the parents went ahead and got remarried anyway. Unfortunately, Dad, now in his late eighties and spending more and more time in the hospital, just wasn't 100% compos mentis anymore. When Mom came to the hospital for the ceremony, Dad only had one whispered question for R., who stood next to him:"Pssst-who is that woman I just married?"...
• Another friend of mine, G., has a grandmother who had been a high-ranking employee of the Central Intelligence Agency. Well over ninety years of age, she had begun a retreat into the recesses of her mind and memory, and was starting to spontaneously recite still-classified CIA case histories. The other residents and attendants of the nursing home where she lived asked what Grandma was talking about, and her grandson knew that she was referring to actual cases. Nervously, he replied, "Well, you know...she's just nuts!"
• In one friend's family, his mother (well into her eighty's) would go into the supermarket, find the aisle with the bread, open one of the loaves, stick her hand in and squeeze the bread to determine the freshness. When confronted by her adult son about this practice, she responded, "What's the matter? I'm clean!!!"...
Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, engage in my conversations on aging as well as other topics, or to contact me directly...
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